Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
