i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
