She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
