he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
