Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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