I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
