we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
