Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
