Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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