This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
