you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
