apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
