I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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