Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
