Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
