The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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