i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
