I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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