I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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