Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
