i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize