i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize