My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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