Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
