my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
