so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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