So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
