Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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