The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
