he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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