The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
sarcasm needs its own font
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
