I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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