I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
