"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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