it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
