I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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