They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
