I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize