I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How external is "for external use only"?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
