its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
