Christians are straight up FREAKS
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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