hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize