I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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