Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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