i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
pray to the hookup gods
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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