Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
