u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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