Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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