Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
