plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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