Can i not drive my cunt home
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
