I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
