watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
