Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
