fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
