cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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