Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
